Things Your Child Will Do.

One of my co-workers in the cider making business was questioned by a group of mothers today. Specifically, they wanted to know why the Cayuga Wine Trail, as a rule, does not allow bus tours of college students into the various wineries and the solo cidery. Those perfectly raised, Ivy-League educated young ladies and gentlemen? Ahem. Surely, they can’t be the same as those students who show up on the buses at noon having brought a keg aboard at 10am with two hours of steady drinking under their belts. Or those smartly dressed young men who casually urinate onto the wheel of a family’s minivan in the parking lot. Or those charming young women who rut like animals in the unmown grass on the north side of the building, assuming that nobody can see them.

No, surely those can’t be your children.

Oi.

Here, then, is my short list garnered from my extensive experience on the (relatively) sober side of the bar, holding the attention and the confidence of innumerable students, of The Things Your Child Will Do:

You child will drink in college. And like it.

Your daughter will lie underneath some immature jerk-ass and have sex with him. And she will like it.

Your son will weigh down on top of some slut and have sex with her. And he will like it.

You child will have friends who casually use drugs that would land them in prison for years. Your kid will try some. And like it.

Your child will see somebody on a motorcycle and feel jealous.

Your child will listen to somebody whose political or social views you find repulsive. And they will think, “Huh, that makes sense”.

Your child will have several friends who drive drunk on a weekly basis. And your kid will stay friends with those people.

Your child will drive drunk. And do it again a week later.

Your child will go into a tattoo shop with a friend and feel jealous.

Your child will decide to become tattooed. And like it.

Your child will switch majors. Their new major will likely make them very, very poor.

You child will drink cheap beer.

Your child will have sexual fantasies about someone of another race.

Your child will have sexual fantasies in class.

Your child will listen to rap music. And like it.

Your child will listen to classical music. And like it.

Your child will consider, somberly and seriously, joining the military. And maybe join.

Your child will listen to the same music you listened to when you were their age.

Your child will fall in love. And love it.

Your son will find several people for whom he would proudly die.

Your daughter will find several men who would proudly die for her.

Your son will contemplate murder. And be okay with it.

Your daughter will contemplate murder to save her children. And be okay with it.

Your child, son or daughter, will seriously consider having children.
Your child will consider suicide. And not tell anyone.

Your child’s friend will commit suicide. And your child will think, “if only they had told me…”.

Your child, if in college, will look at somebody who did not go to college and feel jealous.

Your child, if not in college, will look at somebody who did go and feel jealous.

Your child will make bad decisions. And regret them.

Your child will make hard decisions. And stand by them.

Your child will come home on break and realize that you, too, have sex.

Your child will say something and think, “I sound like my parents…”.

Your child will say something and you will think, “they sound like me…”.

Your child will put on weight.

Your child will fail a test. And maybe a class.

Your child will ask you for advice. And follow it.

Your child will understand some hard decision you have made. And brutally defend you for it.

Your child will learn to respect some of your hard choices. And not tell you.

Your child will learn to despise some of your hard choices. And not tell you.

Your child will despise some of you. And respect you.

Your child will grow up. And realize it.

Your child will support you.

Your child will become an adult. And you will be rightfully proud.

Your child will become an adult. And they will rightfully thank you.

Thank you, mom.
Thank you, dad.